Show and Tell

This isn't quite as fun as seeing your friends pet lizard or hearing about a trip to Hawaii, like we all did in first grade--but almost :)

This post is about the millstone the hangs from the neck of all writers--show DON"T tell. I am constantly learning how to make my work show and not tell. Janice Hardy-author of THE SHIFTER, BLUE FIRE, and DARKFALL - has a great blog about everything writing related. She does a regular post called: Real-Life Diagnostic. Authors can email her 250 words and ask her a question. She will look over your work and post it and her comments on her blog. It is a great way to learn.

Last month she posted a section of my work. I asked her specifically about Showing vs Telling. I learned so much from her critique. Here is the original post if you want to see what she said. But below I have added both the original and revised 250 words. See if you notice the changes. I think the revision does a much better job of getting you into my main characters head.

Just a bit of background. This is the third time these characters meet. They don't have a relationship yet, but they aren't strangers.

-Angie

ORIGINAL

Taggert’s eyes made contact with hers as he walked forward. Other girls tried to capture his attention as he passed by, but he never took his eyes off Jocelyn. She felt frozen, like a leaf trapped by frost that lost its ability to stir in the wind, and whether by panic or fascination she didn’t know. Her feet wouldn’t move and she remained unable to pull her eyes from his. Her heart beat faster with each approaching step. She was completely unable to prevent her physical reaction to him no matter how badly she tried. Jocelyn became irritated with herself. Why couldn’t she ignore him like she did so many other men? His approach seemed unreasonably slow and when he finally reached her, she knew her heart couldn’t beat any swifter.

“Did you enjoy the matches?” his tone disarmingly casual.

“Yes, they were entertaining,” she managed, praying she sounded nonchalant and feeling anything but.

He finally broke eye contact and turned to look at the arena, now filled with boys and their sticks engaged in their own mini battles.

“I’ve noticed,” he began, “these little events sometimes develop…unusual consequences.” He turned and watched her, measuring her reaction.

“I’m not sure I understand,” she answered genuinely confused.

His brown eyes twinkled, and she noticed for the first time the little creases in the corner of his eyes. She immediately liked them.

REVISED

Taggert’s gaze made contact with Jocelyn’s as he walked toward her.

Is he coming over to me? She casually looked side to side, the girls he passed tried to capture his attention, but he never took his eyes off Jocelyn. She felt frozen and whether by panic or fascination she couldn’t quite tell. Her feet wouldn’t move and she couldn’t pull her eyes from his.

Stop it. Stop it. She scolded her racing heart. She breathed deeply then pushed the breath out slowly, but her heart still sped. Well that didn’t help. She scowled, irritated with her physical reaction. He is just walking, ignore him. Focus on something else. But she couldn’t focus on anything but his unreasonably slow approach. When he finally reached her, her heart was galloping.

“Did you enjoy the matches?” he asked his tone disarmingly casual.

“Yes, they were entertaining,” she said, praying she sounded nonchalant—feeling anything but.

He broke eye contact and turned looking at the arena, now filled with boys and their sticks engaged in their own mini battles.

“I’ve noticed,” he said, “these little events sometimes develop…unusual consequences.” He cocked one eyebrow and smiled.

“I’m not sure I understand,” she answered confused.

His brown eyes twinkled, and she noticed the little creases in the corner of his eyes. She immediately liked them. Oh, you are going to be trouble for me.